Camping Tips

You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.

A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.

You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing on a pile of dry sticks.

The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.

In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.

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10 CLUES THAT YOU'RE AT A BAD CAMPGROUND

1. The campground partitions off the campsites with left-over FBI crime scene tape.
2. The lake ripples when a toilet is flushed.
3. The campground name, when translated, means "Condemned."
4. Your assigned campsite number is simply "the swamp."
5. The availability of the camp showers is determined by studying the clouds & guessing when it will rain next.
6. The scary campfire stories are all true and happened on site recently.
7. The guy at the campsite next to you looks alarmingly like Sasquatch.
8. He "accidentally" sits on your camera before you can get a photo of him.
9. He "accidentally" kicks your cellular phone into the lake before you can call the National Enquirer.
10. You wake up to find a bull dozer outside your tent and a guy standing beside it with permits to built a highway right where you're standing.

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New Camper Humor

Some first time campers from the city were on a camping trip.
The mosquitoes were so fierce, the guys had to hide under their blankets to
avoid being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his
friend, "We might as well give up. They’re coming after us with flashlights."

Compass humor

There once was a couple named Nancy and Mike Tate, and it was their life’s dream
to have a compass company. They finally saved enough money and started the Tate’s
Compass Company. Luck was with them, for the first contract they acquired was to
manufacture 750,000 compasses for the Boy Guides. Nancy and Mike worked feverishly
day and night to meet their deadline, and finished just before the Boy Guides Jamboree
was to begin. On the day of the Boy Guides wilderness hike, each Boy Guide was given
a Tate’s compass to help them find their way. Unfortunately, it was discovered a
little too late that every single compass was made with the colored point of the
needle facing the wrong way, so when facing north, the needle pointed to the south.
Needless to say, all of the Boy Guides got lost and it was the biggest fiasco known
in Boy Guide history. The Tate’s compass company went out of business, but from
this experience came the familiar adage. . ."He who has a Tate’s is lost."

These two country boys, brothers, were knocking around one lazy summer day and thought it would be a good prank to push over the outhouse. They crept up from an advantageous direction like a couple of commandos, pushed the outhouse over on one side and headed for the woods.

They circled round and returned to camp an hour later from a completely different direction thus, trying to divert suspicion from themselves.

Upon returning, their father approached them with switch in hand and bellowed, "Did you two push the outhouse over this afternoon?

" The older boy replied, "As learned in school, I cannot tell a lie. Yes, Father, we pushed over the outhouse this afternoon."

At this revelation, the farmer proceeded to flail the two boys severely and sent them to bed without supper.

In the morning, the two boys meekly approached the breakfast table and took their seats. Everything was quiet until their father finally said, "Have you two learned your lesson?"

"Sure, Dad!" said the big brother, "But, in school we learned that George Washington admitted to HIS father that he'd chopped down a cherry tree and he was forgiven because he told the truth."

"Ah yes!' said the farmer, "BUT, George's DAD, wasn't in the cherry tree when he chopped it down!!!"

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into his sleeping bag. She was about to turn off the lantern when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's tent."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice: "The big sissy."

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."

As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover. After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

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